Hi I really feel like I should just stop caring about anyone and I think that I will it is just to must hard work people don't care so why on earth should I . I think thing will be better that way . I try to be as nice as I can be and it gets me know where so to hell with it . I don't know why family take you on if they don't want you . I am alone in the world and I am happy with that all I need is a bit of money and music and I will be happy . I know that people like me for who I am and that is all that matter. I am going to put myself first and I don't care how does not like that . I really don't care if no one end up likeing me we come in to this world alone and go out alone . I am saw that no one will call me because no one ever does . In a few years I will have get out of this because this is not a way to live worrying all the time it will make me ill all I care about is getting college done and getting out of here . " We all need something to get us though this " " I want to be on my own " " What am I saying I am on my own "
- Music:Love doesn't last long too long
Hi it has been a ok week even if I can not get hold of anyone from college . I think that they are all very busy but it does upset me that I can not talk to any of them and even if I could I am not saw what I would say . My cold is getting better and I am feeling less sleepy . I have been feeling a bit funny the last few days not really knowing what I want to do my mind is all over the place . I feel like there is so must I want to say but nothing comes out . I wish that I had more people to talk to I wish that I could see the would thought there eyes. Things with Marjorie are going well I hope how must I love her she is the sweeties thing in the would and I hope that she stays that way for ever . I hope to go to see the movie Elizabeth soon it look very good it is my favorite line from it " We mortals have many weaknesses; we feel too much, hurt too much or too soon we die, but we do have the chance of love " . I think that I am going to try and face my fears and try to get over them I really think we could have things so must better then we do . Here is to the weekend may it find you well .
" oh gabriel i wish that i
could pick you up and fold you like a ribbon
i'd hold you always and in secret
in the pockets of my clothes
but this is how i live my life
with all the parts that i was given
this is the heart that i was given
and what you're given can't be sold
i see my future in an evening dress
all wrapped in tapestry and fur i guess
remember the way you knew me best
i know my fate i do not mean to fight
but you tread softly on the ground tonight
tread softly on the words you used to write "
- Music:Ryan Adams - So alive
Hi a new week and I have still get my awful cold and feel like sleeping all the time . I did not get up to must this weekend just the tv and sleep . I did have a interesting talk with James I am not saw he think that must of counselling he seemed to think that people could be better if they just get on with things . I am not saw about that a lot of the time all people need is someone to talk to or something to take there mind off life not having to keep there feelings locked in .
I am feeling farly good I know what is in my heart and no one can talk that away from me . I can no longer be what the would wants me to be . All I want is to live my life the best I can . Things at home are going ok and I think they will stay that way as long as I don't show any feelings or say a word but I am very happy to keep my head down I think things work better here that way . I can not wait to go to college I really feel that is where I come alive . I just wish that I could keep that with me all the time . The song I am in love with is Gabriel by Emmy the Great it is just the sweeties song . I hope that it is going to be a good week .
" Save my soul
Save some for you
Save your soul
I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling
And there's a concrete sky
Falling from the trees again
And you know now why
It's not coming 'round too soon
It's harder than a heartbreak too
It's tough enough what love will do
And you're as precious as mine "
- Music:Gabriel - Emmy the Great
Hi it has been a good week and a busy one to . College want really well even if I did find some of it a bit hard and some of it was a bit upsetting, but everyone keep telling how well I am doing . I was very happy to get a message from Susan Buice a few day ago she is it art and movie making it is really good to hear from someone who is doing what they really want with there life . It really does make me want to posh myself more and it makes me happy to know that you don't need a 9 till 5 to have a good life what matter is making the best of what you have . I have get a really awful cold that I have had for about a week now I hope that it will go soon . I was happy that I had a good talk with James last weekend and it would be really good to hear from him this weekend to by the way I am sorry Man U did not win . I am hoping to see Emma soon that should be really nice it has been a very long time and I think we will have a lot to talk about . It is very nice where she lives .
I really love there lines from Garden state
" what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain "
" This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better. "
- Music:Bright Eyes - four winds
Hi things are going ok . I had a lovely day yesterday with Marjorie it was so nice to have a day with just the two of us . I hope that I will not miss her to must this week . I am going to be busy so it should not be to bad . The rest of my family did not have such a good Saturday there was a big fright in the morning . I was happy to just stat in my room as it was all going on I really don't want to get in to all that . It pulls you down and makes you just want to say in bed a not face the would . But I have not get time for that I have get a life to live . I am happy that there are just two days till I am back at collage I really hope that it will keep going so well there . Even if sometimes I find it hard and worry about what the people there real think of me . All I really want to do is live my life the best I can . I think that I am far more lucky in my life then I have been for years I have get people in it that really do care about me and that are there for me it is good to have people to talk to about life and how it is going . I have been washing a tv show called the Riches and really liking it . It is a about a family changing how they are and finding that nothing really does change who they where will never going away and how some of them miss there old life " Life in the suv was easier " . My favorite in the show has to be Minnie Driver she makes my heart very happy . I am hoping to meet up with Emma soon and I really hope that I do I think it can be a new start for both for us I am seeing that we are a lot more alike then I could ever see before I really do like talking to she and I hope that she feels the same .
" Life is hard life is crap and it tears away at us "
- Music:The Weepies - The world spins madly on
Hi it has been a ok week . I had a nice day in Tunbridge wells yesterday and had a look at some good books . There where some very interesting thing in one about how about of us give 100% to life and really try to be everything we could be and try to not sleep work thought life like it is so easy to do . I have missed collage this week and can not wait to get back . I just wish that I could do more then one day a week . I have get the changes to do some work on sunday . I am a bit worried about that I am not saw how it will go . I really hope that I can do something in counselling soon I don't think that I have ever wanted to do anything more . If I did get in to counselling I would put a lot on music I think there can be no more true friend that is there at your best and worst times . I had a nice talk with lisa-marie today it made me feel a lot better about thing thank you . My mum and dad are have a bad time my sister Mim . I don't think they really want anyone to change . I don't think we know how hard that can be on people when we make a big change in are life . They may feel like they are losing you or that they will not be wanted any more . I hope that everyone is doing well .
" And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife and you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?
- Music:Bright Eyes - I must belong somewhere
Hi I don't think that this will be the best week . I don't have any college this week so I am missing that and everyone there that I talk with . Marjorie is working this week so I don't really have anyone to talk too . So I am feeling and bit alone and I don't know what I want to do . I like to go to the train station everyday and see all of the people and think what will they all be doing and where they will be going . All the people there always look so interesting to me . In a way I wish that I had that but I am not very saw I know what that is . I love the name of the new Sia album some people have real problem's . It just seems so true to me and I do sometimes think just how easy my life is and how little I have to do . I wish someone would give me a ring this week . I do the something I get lonely to .
" there’s brighter days ahead
I’ve seen them on tv
Word is there’s something big
Hidden up their sleeve
So maybe it gets quiet
And maybe it gets numb
At least then there’s still something
To share with someone
Follow the leader "
- Music:Frou frou - Let go
Hi it has been interesting week . It has been very nice having more people to talk to even if that did cores a bit of a fight the other day but thing do seem better now . I was thinking should you get fed up if someone says that they will call then they do not I think you should you put your hall night on hold your that time then you don't get anything I think that people should take the time to say sorry I am to busy to talk tonight not do nothing and make you run after them . I have really missed Marjorie this week it is so good to have someone there for you . I think I should say thank you more to her you everything she does for me and all the love she gives me I really do know how lucky I am to have her in my life . College is still going really well someone told me the other day they wanted to work with me because I am really good at the work . It was very nice to know that and to feel like I can do anything on the way home from college like there is a light poshing my along . I think that I will put Amelie on it always makes me happy to see it . I am happy that it is going to be sunny for the next few days .
" Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart "
- Music:Ryan Adams - Let it ride
Hi it feels like a really winter day today . I do really like this time of year and how still it can be . I have to do something really good for college this week I have to write a little to me when I was a kid . When I think about all that I have done I can see how far that I have come from that time and just how much I have done and how must of it I thought that I never would . I feel like I have made a life for myself and I feel like I have done that without any goals from my mum and dad . I have find someone that loves me just the way I am and lets me be that person and for that I will always by thankful to Marjorie and be happy with everyday that I have with her I love her so must and everything she brings to my life. I think with Sister I would say it will not always be a good or nice road but that we will you come thought to the other side all getting on better then we ever have before no matter how hard that maybe for mum to take.
I want to say thank you to James for listing and caring about me and always being there for me when I needed a friend to talk to about my hopes and dreams no matter how far away they where and how out of reach they seemed at the time . I think that is what a true friend is and you can never have to many of them . And over the years I have find my music what I could call the love of my life . I really don't think I would be the men I am today without it . It has give me more then I could have ever have wished for even if I sometimes have a overwhelming fear and sadness of losing it . It is like that song says " You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when sky's are grey your never know dear how must I love you please don't take my sunshine away .
I have get to meet so many amazing people over the year I will never forget meeting The Research and thinking that Russell was everything that I wanted to be . I am so happy that I am still friend with all of them and hope that we can stay that way . I have find so many people that are into art and making the world a more beautiful place . I can't think of many better goals then that in life . When I look back a could not have asked for much more then that out of life . I can look at myself and say I really like who I am and where my life is at . I really hope that one day everyone can say that .
" When you where a little boy you used to go to the end of your text book because you said that in a few weeks time you would know how to do it " Now I thought it would be nice for you to look back at an old one to see how far you have come "
- Music:Sol Seppy - Human
Hi things are going ok . I am still having a really good time at college and can not wait for this week . It really does feel good to have so friends out there . I had a talk with my mum about listening and how I feel that she never does it and does not care what I am saying . She does it to all of us if she is on the phone she will be doing ten things and listening not being one of them for one thing that is very rude . I get a really good book the other day it is about makeng changes in your life . I have been doing that lately and it is amazing what happens when you do . If you are open and nice to people they are nice to you and they really do care about you we are more alike then we think but as I keep telling myself there is no one like me we all have something that makes us stand out . Things with Marjorie are still going well she has get a job and is doing really well there . I am not up to very must next week I don't know if anyone wants to meet up for a cup of tea . But really I just hope that I can keep feeling good in my own skin becase really that is all that I have ever wanted from life .
" Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know - its serious
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye
There were times when I could
Have strangled her
(but you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her)
Would you please
Let me see her !
Do you really think
Shell pull through ?
Do you really think
Shell pull through ?
Let me whisper my last goodbyes
I know - its serious "
- Music:The smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out